Sleepless In Sheboygan

Sitting in a foreign bedroom listening to a conversation debating the merits of the four Tremors movies, I'm dwelling on the fact (yes fact) that there's Meth Heads out there that have gotten more sleep than I've gotten in the last 48 hours. Our talking GPS system, affectionatly named "HAL" told us that we'd been in our van for 36 continuous hours, stopping only for a friendly visit on the US border with our friends the border guards.

Remember the band "Guided By Voices"? That's the theme of this roadtrip for me after spending the majority of my time either in the driver chair or in the front passenger seat listening to HAL tell me how to drive through some of the most podunk little towns the western world has ever seen. HAL knows everything. Are you boxed in by construction on I-94 in the middle of Chicago? HAL will tell you where to go and will take you on a scenic little jaunt through Chicago's most run down and violent ghetto's, where every window is barred, 3 cars are either burnt out or in the process of burning up and the only visible people on the street are wearing the color red. * Are you in need of gas at 530am in Regina? HAL will tell you how to get off the ring road and will take you to 7-11 in the heart of the City's majestic truck stop quater.

A word from the (now) wise:

• Large amounts of dairy product and greasy mushroom burgers should NOT be consumed before driving for 36 hours.
• Girls will ask who farted in a van when it wasn't them, but when it was... they won't make a sound.
• Paying toll in Chicago is obviously for the entertainment value recieved while driving on the interstate through downtown. Cars on fire, roving gangs... it's like driving through DieHard.
• There is nothing of scenic value on the entire North American continent in between Edmonton and the Quebec border.
• When you hear stories allllll week long about Americans dying or being dismembered in fireworks accidents in their own homes and backyards, don't be surprised.
• North Dakota... Not that cool.

Pictures to come...

*I'm now a Blood for life.